ESPN's 64-player "Greatest NHL Name" tournament bracket dropped this week and garnered the expected reaction from hockey fans: passion, amusement, obsession and countless people vehemently protesting that Slater Koekkoek should have been a No. 1 seed.
To recap, we took some of the greatest names to grace NHL ice -- and Ukko-Pekka Luukkonen, a Buffalo Sabres prospect whose name just couldn't be denied -- and grouped them into four regions:
Old-school region, with the players from yesteryear.
Modern North American region, with players from North America who were active for NHL franchises in the past dozen years.
Modern international region, with players from outside of North America who were active for NHL franchises in the past dozen years.
Actual objects region, with players whose names are, or sound like, actual things.
We're not only looking for the most entertaining and whimsical player names, but ones that have the right amount of "hockey-ness" to them. Nicknames weren't allowed -- sorry, "Punch" Imlach. You can download the bracket here and play along.
Here is my bracket, completed after very careful consideration of our completely arbitrary criteria. Below is my justification from the Elite Eight to the championship:
Elite 8
Old-school: No. 8 Guy Lafleur beats No. 2 Zarley Zalapski
Actual objects: No. 1 Hakan Loob beats No. 6 Garth Butcher
Modern North American: No. 3 Greg McKegg beats No. 1 Cal Clutterbuck
Modern international: No. 6 Radek Bonk beats No. 1 Miroslav Satan
As you'll see on my bracket, the old-school region featured three upsets in the opening round and another big one in the second round, with Guy Lafleur going over Bronco Horvath. He continued his run over No. 12 Frank McCool to meet No. 2 Zarley Zalapski, who won perhaps the toughest matchup of the bracket against the thunderous No. 6 Jeff Beukeboom.
But Lafleur gets the win over Zalapski here, with hockey-ness trumping the exotic nature of a double-Z name.
Top-seeded Hakan Loob went on a Prohibition Era run, eliminating Bob Beers and Clayton Stoner. Garth Butcher upset Roman Hamrlik and popular No. 2 seed Per Djoos en route to the Elite 8. Butcher is a name that evokes Canadian barbarism like few can, but Hakan Loob is like a dozen different vague inferences to hockey wrapped up in a single name, from expunging saliva to greasing your hinges.
Cal Clutterbuck was challenged by both No. 9 Derek Boogaard and No. 4. Slater Koekkoek, but advanced to face the peoples' champion, No. 3 seed Greg McKegg, who ousted the New York Islanders' forward. Not only does his name contain "keg," but it also recalls a classic bit from "The Simpsons" when Dr. Nick Riviera sees former patient McGreg and says, "Well, if it isn't my old friend, Mr. McGreg! With a leg for an arm, and an arm for a leg!" I mean, that's timeless.
Miroslav Satan is one of the greatest names in sports history, and I would be remiss if I didn't mention my own history with him on social media. Back in 2018, I jokingly asked the devil for his help in bringing John Tavares to the Toronto Maple Leafs as a free agent. And, well, this happened:
Dear @MuseumModernArt, what is your submission policy? pic.twitter.com/8GAjuexGNC
— Greg Wyshynski (@wyshynski) May 23, 2018
He advanced to face former Ottawa Senators not-all-that-great Radek Bonk ... and lost. Again, it's about the hockey. While Miroslav Satan sounds like something Van Helsing would hunt, Radek Bonk sounds like noises created by an actual hockey game.
So who wins this thing?
Final Four
No. 8 Guy Lafleur beats No. 1 Hakan Loob
No. 6 Radek Bonk beats No. 3 Greg McKegg
Championship
No. 8 Guy Lafleur beats No. 6 Radek Bonk
The final two are, for me, the essence of the National Hockey League. You have the poetic flourish of "Guy Lafleur," a French Canadian name that wafts through the air, leaving the faint smell of maple and cigarettes. You have the blunt force of "Radek Bonk," a name that metaphorically bludgeons you while honoring the international composition of the NHL.
In the end, we had to go with that Guy over there. It's a name that screams "hockey." Guy Lafleur couldn't be a quarterback or a point guard or a second basemen or even a midfielder on the French national soccer team. Guy Lafleur is a hockey player -- a Hall of Famer, no less -- and the greatest name in NHL history.
But that's just one writer's opinion. Here's what others in the ESPN hockey fam went with instead.
Emily Kaplan, ESPN writer
Final Four
No. 9 Clayton Stoner beats No. 10 Larry Playfair
No. 1 Miroslav Satan beats No. 6 Jean-Luc Grand-Pierre
Championship
No. 9 Clayton Stoner beats No. 1 Miroslav Satan
Stoner is my winner because his name literally is a hockey name -- most guys just get an "-er" or a "-sy" pinned to the end of their last name and boom, that's what they're called at the rink. Honestly, I was astonished that Larry Playfair was a No. 10 seed. His name doesn't lend itself well to a nickname, but who cares? His name is one of hockey's most celebrated attributes (playing fair). Playfair might be an underdog, but he's poised to make some noise in this tourney.
Tim Kavanagh, ESPN editor
Final Four
No. 6 Garth Butcher beats No. 2 Zarley Zalapski
No. 3 Jyrki Jokipakka beats No. 1 Cal Clutterbuck
Championship
No. 6 Garth Butcher beats No. 1 Cal Clutterbuck
As I analyzed the lists, I went to two wells of insight: The players I could hear old-timey broadcasters getting super excited about scoring a goal or delivering a monster hit, and "Slap Shot." Namely, which players sounded like their names were taken directly from foes of the Charlestown Chiefs?
So, that easily explains the advancement of Garth Butcher through the "actual objects" region, slicing and dicing his way to the title of greatest NHL name ever. Close your eyes and picture someone named "Garth." It's either Dana Carvey's character from "Wayne's World," or it's a burly individual of whom you want no part in a dark alley. And Butcher? Come on. I know we've generally (and rightfully) moved on from having goons in the modern game, but there's no better last name for a player who is meant to strike fear in opponents. And, true to his name, Butcher eclipsed 200 penalty minutes six times in his 14-season career, and finished with 2,302 of them altogether.
Ben Arledge, ESPN editor
Final Four
No. 3 Sprague Cleghorn beats No. 4 Ron Tugnutt
No. 4 Slater Koekkoek beats No. 5 Kaapo Kakko
Championship
No. 3 Sprague Cleghorn beats No. 4 Slater Koekkoek
I really wanted to pick Tugnutt to win it all because it's just a great goalie name, but it's tough to beat a name like Sprague Cleghorn. Shout out to Pierre-Luc Letourneau-Leblond, too ... nearly picked that 16-seed to go to the Final Four.
Sachin Chandan, ESPN researcher
Final Four
No. 1 Hakan Loob beats No. 3 Sprague Cleghorn
No. 6 Radek Bonk beats No. 4 Slater Koekkoek
Championship
No. 1 Hakan Loob beats No. 6 Radek Bonk
Calgary Flames star Hakan Loob already has a Stanley Cup to his name, so it's time to the add some virtual hardware from this tournament. This project made me realize how many hours I've spent listening to the now-retired Doc Emrick; I could hear his voice pronouncing each of the names in this list.
Victoria Matiash, ESPN fantasy writer
Final Four
No. 2 Zarley Zalapski beats No. 7 Tony Twist
No. 2 Ukko-Pekka Luukkonen beats No. 16 Pierre-Luc Letourneau-Leblond
Championship
No. 2 Zarley Zalapski beats No. 2 Ukko-Pekka Luukkonen
The late (gone much too soon), great Zarley Zalapski is my ultimate champion. Not only in recognition of his parents' fierce commitment to the alliterative game -- despite working with one of the alphabet's more challenging letters -- but who else terrified opposing players for 12 NHL seasons with his one-and-only "Zalap Shot?" No one, that's who. And, bonus trivia, he's named after a golfer called Kermit, which is also awesome.
Kevin Pulsifer, ESPN Stats & Information
Final Four
No. 2 Zarley Zalapski beats No. 1 Hakan Loob
No. 2 Ukko-Pekka Luukkonen beats No. 4 Slater Koekkoek
Championship
No. 2 Ukko-Pekka Luukkonen beats No. 2 Zarley Zalapski
If I had a magic formula to rate names, it would be a simple pronunciation, combined with difficult spelling, combined with a fun factor. Try saying Ukko-Pekka Luukkonen 5 times fast and not smiling afterward. Another thing I tried to picture was Doc Emrick calling out the player's name in the midst of an imaginary broadcast: "Zarley Zalapski zips it into the zone, Zdeno Chara giving chase."
Ryan Matlack, ESPN Radio
Final Four
No. 4 Ron Tugnutt beats No. 8 Guy Lafleur
No. 9 Jaromir Jagr beats No. 3 Greg McKegg
Championship
No. 9 Jaromir Jagr beats No. 4 Ron Tugnutt
I think we forget how great the name "Jaromir Jagr" is, because of how great a hockey player he is. Both first and last name are great by themselves, it's a fun name to say, and "Jagr" is easy fodder for nicknames. I do take great offense to Johnny Boychuk not making the field of 64. He might not be the overall champion, but I'll still make a case that he has one of the greatest hockey names ever. Checks all the boxes: Fun to say, easy to spell, sounds like it could be Canadian or European.
Vince Masi, ESPN Stats & Info
Final Four
No. 10 Jordin Tootoo beats No. 2 Zarley Zalapski
No. 4 Slater Koekkoek beats No. 1 Miroslav Satan
Championship
No. 4 Slater Koekkoek beats No. 10 Jordin Tootoo
Slater Koekkoek wins the title because you have to be a little bit Koekkoek to make it to the NHL. Jordin Tootoo has the best name and his real-life story was part of the reason he advanced all the way to the title game.
And to go all Joe Lunardi on this, who were the first four outside the bracket? My picks are: Stan Neckar, Walt Poddubny, Kari Takko and Peter Ing.
Arda Ocal, ESPN host
Final Four
No. 11 Daren Puppa beats No. 4 Ron Tugnutt
No. 1 Cal Clutterbuck beats No. 1 Miroslav Satan
Championship
No. 11 Daren Puppa beats No. 1 Cal Clutterbuck
With respect to Satan, Tugnutt, Loob, Bronco, Twist, Cheechoo and the rest, Daren Puppa is the absolute greatest name in NHL history. Any human being, hockey fan or not, can appreciate both the simplicity and comedic poise of this name. Puppa transcends hockey. Puppa is globally recognizable.