Inspirational thought of the week:
I hear your laugh
And look up smiling at you
I run and run
Past the pumpkin patch
And the tractor rides
Look now, the sky is gold
I hug your legs
And fall asleep on the way home
I don't know why all the trees change in the fall
But I know you're not scared of anything at all
-- "The Best Day," Taylor Swift
Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located beneath the pile of regret RSVP cards at Rece Davis' house because his daughter scheduled a fall wedding, now that October has arrived, we know exactly where you will all have been this week. Standing in line with us, waiting for the store to open at midnight Oct. 3 to sell us the first copies of Tay-Tay's new album, "The Life of a Showgirl."
Yes, this week the World's Most Famous Chiefs Fan Not Named Ant-Man drops her new batch of songs, but we also know that as the Bottom 10 faithful camp out on the sidewalk, they will be listening to another playlist of sweet tunes. I'm speaking of the fight songs of Sam Houston, We Have a Problem on Thursday night. Then, the Charlotte 1-and-3'ers, San No-sé State and Colora-duh State on Friday night. All programs that are in their own "Era" of writing "Bottom 10's Version" of their "Reputation" for "Evermore."
And while we watch those games, at some point we will realize that it isn't "1989" and we no longer have to be in line to buy a new record. Or buy records at all. We can download them to our phones. Or as we call them here in the B10CU, the Bottom 10 Cinematic Universe, our pocket computers.
With apologies to the Taylor University Trojans, former Nebraska wide receiver Nate Swift and Steve Harvey, here are the post-Week 5 Bottom 10 rankings.
1. Sam Houston, We Have a Problem (0-4)
The Bearkats kruised through their skheduled open date and now koncentrate on krossing the Rio Grande for a kontest kounter to New Mexiko State, who were just konquered by New Mexiko in Albukuerkue.
2. UMess (0-4)
Have you seen that meme of Cookie Monster drumming his fingers on the table, impatiently waiting to go bonkers on a yet-to-arrive tray of cookies? Yeah, that's us, waiting for the Oct. 11 Pillow Fight of the Week of the Year of the Century Mega Bowl, when the Minutemen travel to face State of Kent, who are 1-3 after taking the week off. But before that, UMass hosts Western Not Eastern Michigan, while Kent will be getting run over by the Sooner Schooner like a snake trying to cross an Oklahoma freeway.
3. ucLa Boo'ins (0-4)
In Westwood, they said bye to their coach, then they had a bye week, then they lost at Bottom 10 Wait Listers Northworstern, then they raced USC back to Los Angeles, both wondering why they said bye to having all those games closer to home in the league they said bye to too.
4. Oregon Trail State (You have died of dysentery) (0-5)
Speaking of the Artist Formerly Known But Soon To Be Known Again As The Pac-12, the Beavers became the nation's first five-loss team after a near-win over undefeated Houston Not Sam Houston. Now they travel east to face Appalachian State in Boone, North Carolina, where I once camped with the Boy Scouts and had all of our food stolen by actual beavers.
5. We Are ... Back in the Coveted Fifth Spot! (3-1)
There are those who might try to convince you that Penn State's White Out didn't work the night they played Oregon, but it did. Watch James Franklin's postgame news conference when he was asked about his record against top-10 teams. He totally used virtual Wite-Out to paint over the word "narrative" and change it to "factual."
6. "No Pokes!" (1-3)
I was roasted over mesquite, and rightfully so, for omitting Oklahoma State from these rankings one week ago after it lost to Living On Tulsa Time at home and then fired Mike "I'm a man! I'm 58!" Gundy. It was a mistake. I was in denial. But I was snapped out of that trance of disbelief by all of the DMs and texts from Stillwater phone numbers saying that I had to have Oklahoma State in here this week or lose all credibility, including one from what my caller ID listed as "Gundy, M."
7. San No-sé State (1-3)
The Spartans Not Trojans are one of a whopping four Mountain West teams stuck at 1-3, but won, er, lost out for this spot over the other three because: A. They actually played a game last weekend; 3. They lost the Pillow Fight of the Week to neighbor and fellow Bottom 10 Waiting Lister Stanfird by one point; and fifthly, they can probably sneak up on New Mexico this weekend because the Lobos have spent all week with upset tummies after spending a week eating from college football's new greatest rivalry trophy, the Chile Roaster.
I feel very strongly that we as a nation aren't making a big enough deal out of this new chile roaster trophy for New Mexico-New Mexico State. pic.twitter.com/ls0s5X1ETA
— Ryan McGee (@ESPNMcGee) September 28, 2025
8. Northern Ill-ugh-noise (1-3)
The Other Other Huskies are one of a whopping six #MACtion team stuck at 1-and-something, but won, er, lost out for this spot over the other five because: 1. They actually played a game last weekend; C. They lost to San Diego State, which isn't terrible, but the final score of the game was 6-3; and secondly, we wanted a chance to hype this week's Pillow Fight of the Week, when they host My Hammy of Ohio, which is now 1-3 after beating Lindenwood, a school you've never heard of unless you are a big Pierre Desir fan.
9. Arkansas State and the (mental) State of Arkansas (1-3)
The Red Wolves are one of a not-as-whopping but still not small three Fun Belt teams stuck at 1-and-something, but won, er, lost out for this spot over the other two because: I. They actually played last weekend; IV. They lost to our old friends and former Bottom 10 stalwart ULM (pronounced "uhlm"); and XL. That Week 2 loss to now-head coach-less Arkansaw by 42 points is aging about as well as that bottle of gas station chardonnay that I accidentally left under the seat of my truck all summer.
10. Charlotte 1-and-3ers (1-3)
My hometown team is one of a totally-not-whopping-but-still-seems-like-a-lot-for-one-conference-after-only-one-month-of-football three Just American teams stuck at 1-and-something, but won, er ... OK, yeah ... I'm tired of this bit too. Almost as tired as the Niners fans will be of watching US(not C)F run up and down the field on Friday night. The good news? Shortly after the game ends, they can ease their pain by listening to Tay's new album.
Waiting list: State of Kent, UTEPid, Muddled Tennessee State, Northworstern, FA(not I)U, Bah-stan Cawledge, Clempson, Flori-duh, Georgia State Not Southern, Colora-duh State, No-vada, Stanfird, My Hammy of Ohio, South Alabama Redundancies, Give Me Liberty Or Give Me 1-4, Akronmonious, Baller State, a college football world without Sam Pittman in it.