Washington Spirit forward Gift Monday is a ball of conflicting emotions going into the NWSL Championship game against Gotham FC this weekend, with one side of her feeling giddy with excitement, and the other an immense grief.
Monday, who has been a driving force for the Spirit this season in their march to the Final, recently lost her father, her first coach and mentor, and doing him proud will be her main motivation on Saturday night at PayPal Park in San Jose.
"I think of him all the time," the Nigeria striker told ESPN. "If he was around, I would have got him a plane ticket and he would have been on the front seat, in VVIP for this Final."
The loss was ever present for her throughout the playoffs, as she broke down after the quarterfinal and again after the semifinal, when she went from celebrating to being consoled by international teammate Debbie Abiodun.
Monday explained: "At first, I was just so happy over the game. I was celebrating with the other girls, and then all of a sudden I don't know what came over me, I was in my feelings. I just know that one minute I was celebrating, the next I was soaked in my own tears.
"For me it was tears of joy and also it was a feeling of me wanting this platform for so long, wanting this for so long and then the special person I wanted to be there was not there."
It is a burden she has been carrying since returning from the funeral in Nigeria last month, and going straight into the quarterfinal and scoring a goal.
She added: "In the quarterfinal, I didn't do my arrow celebration because that day was just for my dad. I just wanted to dedicate that day for him.
"Every day is for him too, but that day was just like, this one is special because I was just coming back from his funeral and I just wanted everything to be about him."
But the other side of the coin is joy. The NWSL Final is a new high, and her excitement is borne out of accomplishing a goal she set for herself when she crossed continents to move from Europe to the USA in March this year.
She said: "When I first came into the NWSL, my personal goal was to make a statement in the league, get used to the pattern of the league and also try to score as many goals as I could to help my team win almost every game.
"When we finally qualified for the playoffs, I just wanted us to be in the final because we have worked so hard, we have come a long way from the beginning of the season.
"I am so happy to be in a major Final. Finally and I am so excited to be doing it."
A title win will also be for Gift herself, who believes it could be something of a new beginning for her, and reward for the hard work that the entire Spirit team have put in all season long.
"As a team, we are not surprised that we are in the Final because we really worked so hard to be where we are today. It's not like we got here by luck or by chance," Monday said.
That hard work was something that Monday had to adapt to when she first joined the team from UD Tenerife in Spain: "When I first came to the team, it wasn't easy.
"My first three games with the team, after every game, I would give everything and when I come out, I am so tired I can't even walk. But because everybody was working, I had to work hard too.
"I have people like Croix, Rose, Trin, Aubrey. These people are amazing, they are so fast. So I have to double my work. Whatever I was doing before that was me, I have to double it because I needed to step up.
"This is why I say I love challenges, because when I see someone ahead of me, that is what I want, because then I tend to push myself to meet up and to pass.
"But when I see that I am the same as others, there is nobody chasing me to go ahead of whatever standard I am. So right now, I am doubling my work because I have teammates that push me."
Playing alongside world class players also presented opportunities for self-improvement and reaching the NWSL Final is another opportunity to test herself at a high level.
"Personally, I love competition," she said. "I love to fight for something great, I love to compete because then when I win, I am so proud of myself.
"This league has actually given me the platform to showcase myself and show that I can also be in the top level of other football players.
"It takes a lot of determination to be at this level, and it takes a lot of self-belief because I always believe that I am a born champion."
All of that determination and self-belief will be needed against Saturday's opposition. Gotham beat the Spirit 3-0 at Audi Field during the regular season, and held them to two 0-0 draws in their other meetings, one which was in the CONCACAF W Champions League.
Ranked as underdogs, Gotham showed their mettle was not defined by ranking when they eliminated highflying top seed Kansas City Current in the quarterfinals and then champions Orlando Pride in the semifinals.
"Gotham has always given us tough times," Monday acknowledged. "I think I have played against them three times and it was so tough for us. But I am glad to play them again to see if I have improved from the last time I played against them.
"Most of my teammates would probably have the same feelings or thoughts. When someone beats you the first time, you want to have a rematch. This would be a test for me to see if I have improved from the last time we had an encounter with them."
Last season, the Spirit lost the Final to Orlando, and returned this season with ambitions of not just making it back to the Championship game, but going one better than they did last time. One leg of that has been accomplished, the other will have to be battled out on Saturday at the Bay.