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Virdhawal Khade gets that sinking feeling as Olympic dream slips

Within a year of undergoing a knee surgery, Virdhawal Khade finished fourth in the 50m freestyle event at the 2018 Asian Games. AP Photo/Lee Jin-man

A few days ago, Virdhawal Khade went to his parents to discuss a question that was weighing on his mind. "I asked them if they would be all right with me retiring from my career," asked Khade, one of the country's foremost swimmers and the youngest Olympian from the sport in Indian history. It was not a subject he took lightly. A former bronze medallist at the Asian Games, Khade had come back from semi-retirement in 2017 with a single goal in mind -- to sign off at the Tokyo Olympics.

Now though Khade, 28, felt that goal was no longer possible. Even as India battles the coronavirus pandemic, swimming pools have been shut across the country since March 24. Khade, like every other swimmer in the country, has been unable to train since then. "Right now I don't have words for how I'm feeling. I can see my chance for the Olympics slipping from my hands," he says.

On Monday, Khade posted his frustration as a tweet.

This was not how it was meant to be. Back in early March, Khade felt he had the Olympic qualification within his grasp. He had begun chasing his Olympic dream in earnest in 2017 after undergoing a knee surgery. "I felt that would be the best way to end my career. I had already taken part in the 2008 Olympics when I was just a 16-year-old. I thought to myself, 'If I can qualify for the Olympics at 16, I can surely take part now.' Financially I was in a better place because I had got a job with the Maharashtra government. I was in a better place physically and mentally too," he says.

What boosted his confidence further was the fact that within a year of his surgery he finished fourth in the 50m freestyle event at the 2018 Asian Games. "Most guys train their entire life to make a podium. I had nearly got to that level within a year. With the progress I was making, I felt I would qualify and perhaps even make a semi-final or final at the Olympics," says Khade.

As things stand, Khade's personal best in the 50m freestyle -- which is also the national record -- is a time of 24.43 seconds. To make the cut for the Olympics, he had to match the qualification standard of 24.01 seconds. Khade felt he would have got to that mark. "I was in the best shape of my life. I know the kind of training I was doing before I did my personal best. The training I was doing at the start of the year was definitely better than that. I was stronger in the gym and I was faster in the pool. If things had gone to plan and I was competing in June, the qualification was inevitable," he says.

Of course, things haven't gone to plan. Khade was supposed to travel to the USA for a training camp that has obviously fallen through and even training in India has not been possible owing to the government's restrictions. "We thought the lockdown would last for a month or so. From all the studies we had seen, we thought swimming pools were the safest place to be because they are chlorinated. [USA's Center for Disease Control and Prevention suggests that there is no evidence of the coronavirus being spread through water.] Social distancing can easily be followed in a pool where everyone has to stay in their own lane. That's how it has happened outside India," he says.

Instead, Khade has seen his confidence dip as the pools have stayed firmly shut. "Our federation has asked the government but there has been no response. You keep holding out hope but there's nothing that changes. I keep hoping that maybe the government will allow a few swimmers who are close to Olympic qualification to train but I don't see any progress on that. The uncertainty that's there is really depressing," he says.

Khade admits he has considered training surreptitiously. "I once considered that if I go back to Kolhapur, I might be able to convince someone to let me train quietly, but of course they would get into a lot of trouble if word got out, and the fact remains that I would be doing something illegal. And at the same time, I can see my competitors in Europe and Asia posting pictures of their training on Instagram," he says.

Instead, he has had to be content with doing an hour of yoga in the morning, then head to his office before doing another hour of bodyweight training in the evening. "I have been able to make sure I don't put on weight, but that's it. It has been close to three months outside of any meaningful training. Whatever you do, you can't maintain that sort of strength. I know my muscles can't do what they did three months ago. Right now the only thing that motivates me is that I like working out and staying fit. I work out just so that I can still see my muscles. If I was swimming, those memories from 2008 might get ignited but right now it's just so that I look good," he says.

Khade says the fact that he has been unable to train affects him far more as a swimmer than if he was any other athlete. "Water is such a different medium. To get a feel back for the water, just getting your technique to settle will take a month. To get your racing conditioning and aerobic conditioning back will take another three or four months. Maybe by December or January we will be in the shape we were in three or four months ago. Will that be enough time to get in competition shape to qualify for the Olympics? I don't know," he says.

Olympic preparation, Khade says, doesn't have an on-off switch. "Most swimmers plan their Olympic campaign over four years. You build on each season. I was planning to compete in five FINA-recognised tournaments over three months to give myself the best chance to qualify this year. But this was possible because I had been competing throughout 2019 and 2018. When I start competing next year, I will have gone a year without any competition. It will take me at least a few competitions to get back to the competition zone. I will have to compete in a few practice tournaments even before I start competing to qualify. And that's assuming everything goes right and I start training now," he says. Khade compares it to a student sitting for a major competitive exam. "Think of the Olympics like the civil services. You prepare for it over a couple of years at least. If you suddenly get told you can't look at your books for three months, it's really difficult to get back to the zone in which you can prepare well. It's possible but it's unlikely," he says.

Eventually, Khade says, for all his hopes of becoming a two-time Olympian he will have to weigh his options carefully. His tenuous Olympic dream will have to be measured against the very real cost of each day his training is delayed. "There's no immediate target outside the Olympics that I can plan my training routine around. You definitely need to work much harder. Along with all the hard work, you need good nutrition, physio support and supplementation. At the moment, everything comes from my pocket. Unless you qualify for the Olympics, you don't get any significant sponsorship. I'm spending close to a lakh per month. I don't even earn that much. My dad has to support my training. It is frustrating. When you don't do well in training, it creates a doubt in your head. And when you aren't doing any training at all, when you are putting in so much effort and so much money, you wonder is it all worth it?" he says.

The answer from his parents is that it isn't. "When I told my parents I was thinking of quitting, they were fine with it. They want me to start thinking about my future. I've been married for three years now so any parent would say that I should be done with this because there's nothing happening. If I was training, I could at least tell them that I have a plan. Right now I'm hoping that I will somehow be able to start training within a month, otherwise I will have my decision made for me," he says.