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          'Not going to lie, I just wanted to spank you': How Brooks Koepka routed Bryson DeChambeau

          David Becker/Getty Images for The Match
          • Mark Schlabach, ESPN Senior WriterNov 26, 2021, 06:33 PM ET
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            • Senior college football writer
            • Author of seven books on college football
            • Graduate of the University of Georgia
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          After months of feuding, trading jabs during interviews and on social media, then seemingly making up at the Ryder Cup -- there was even a bro hug! -- until that unraveled earlier this week, Bryson DeChambeau and Brooks Koepka finally had a chance to settle this on the golf course.

          This installment of "The Match" wasn't much of a match. It was a rout.

          The drama might not have been there, but the storytelling and trash talk didn't disappoint -- from Koepka and/or from commentators Charles Barkley and Phil Mickelson.

          Here's how it happened:

          Scoreboard: Koepka wins 4&3

          No. 1: Par 4

          And we're off at the Wynn Golf Club, with DeChambeau passing out cupcakes for Friendsgiving on the first tee, which drew a slight grin from Koepka.

          DeChambeau found trouble from the start, with his opening tee shot landing behind a small bush in the pine bark. Fortunately for him, he got a free drop because the sprinkler system was in his line of play. He knocked his second shot into the greenside bunker. Koepka's drive also went way right in the rough, but he was able to hit the green.

          Koepka two-putted, and DeChambeau got up and down to tie the hole.

          Result: Tie with pars.

          No. 2: Par 4

          DeChambeau might want to dial it back a bit. His second tee shot was even farther right than his first. Then he once again landed in a greenside bunker. Koepka hit the fairway again and took advantage with a 15-foot birdie putt to take a 1-up lead.

          Mickelson correctly had the putt falling right because of the grain, and Koepka responded, "Oh, Phil, good call," while grabbing his ball out of the cup.

          While walking off the green, Koepka looked back.

          "Bryson, that's good," he said.

          It's about to get chippy.

          Result: Koepka wins with birdie

          No. 3: Par 3

          On the closest-to-the-pin hole for charity, Koepka's ball ended up in the deep rough to the right, while DeChambeau's was just about perfect, landing pin high and about 8 feet from the hole.

          Koepka hit a nice chip to about 2 feet.

          Before DeChambeau attempted to make his birdie putt, Mickelson asked him what was going through his head. His answer was about what you would expect -- a thorough, 40-second explanation.

          "It's pretty simple: It's 11½ feet [with the uphill], 2% straight putt over here and to be honest, 10 or 11 feet straight putt," DeChambeau said, in part.

          Of course, he left the putt low and let a good opportunity go to waste.

          Result: Hole tied with pars.

          No. 4: Par 4

          Koepka's tee shot went way right. Mickelson said what many weekend hacks would have said.

          "Aren't paralleling fairways the best, though?" Mickelson said. "I'm a big fan of those."

          DeChambeau hit a fairway off the tee for the first time. After Mickelson bragged about DeChambeau's wedge play, he missed his number and hit his ball over the green. Koepka's second shot landed on the green, but he left another putt short on his birdie try.

          "I would make snarky comments on that, but I've still got to make a par putt," DeChambeau said.

          He did.

          Result: Tied with pars.

          No. 5: Par 5

          On the lone par 5 of the match, both players carried the fairway bunker. DeChambeau's shot, though, went a lot farther. Mickelson was impressed.

          "I mean, that is so attractive," Mickelson said. "I don't even know what to say about that."

          "Phil, you like that?" DeChambeau asked.

          "I love that," Mickelson said.

          "I hit that good, man, just for you," DeChambeau said. "Hey, I've still got to finish out the hole, though. It's never guaranteed, just like the last hole. We talked about this length all of the time. It's great, but I've still got to get it in the hole."

          The conversation proved to be prophetic. Koepka, who complained of missing his second shot, found the green and had an eagle look. DeChambeau's second shot clipped a tree and came up short.

          DeChambeau chipped up to about 6 feet. Koepka two-putted from about 40 feet for birdie. Then DeChambeau, inexplicably, missed his birdie putt to fall 2 holes down.

          As the broadcast went to commercial, Brian Anderson, doing play-by-play on TNT, reminded viewers it was a 12-hole match.

          Koepka, because has an earpiece in and can hear Anderson, Mickelson and Barkley, grinned.

          "It won't go 12," he said.

          Result: Koepka wins with birdie.

          No. 6: Par 3

          Koepka's putts are starting to fall, and the four-time majors champion is threatening to run away from DeChambeau with a 3-up lead after six holes.

          On the second par 3 of the match, Koepka hit a safe shot, with his ball landing about 11 feet from the hole. DeChambeau's ball landed right, but spun back below the hole to about 14 feet. DeChambeau missed his putt; Koepka drained his.

          "Any questions?" Koepka said.

          "Man, I haven't seen a beatdown like this since me and Phil put it on [Peyton Manning] and Steph [Curry]," Barkley said.

          "A focused Koepka is a tough Koepka," Mickelson said.

          Result: Koepka wins with birdie.

          No. 7: Par 4

          With the match getting away from DeChambeau, Mickelson, a U.S. Ryder Cup co-captain at Whistling Straits, tried to encourage him before DeChambeau's tee shot on No. 7.

          "Bryson, same thing we talked about at Ryder Cup off No. 9," Mickelson told him. "Get your brain in theta."

          "Yep, right in that sweet spot between parasympathetic and sympathetic," DeChambeau said.

          "Chuck, you get that?" Koepka asked Barkley.

          "Hell, no," Barkley said.

          DeChambeau's drive went way left, hit a tree, bounced off the cart path and landed in an adjoining fairway. After DeChambeau explained the difference between alpha, beta, delta and theta brainwaves, Barkley told Mickelson, "Man, I'm telling you, I've got to keep you two guys apart. You two together are dangerous."

          "How about a cross-country drive with us?" Mickelson said.

          DeChambeau's brain apparently remained in beta mode; he missed a good look at birdie to get one back.

          Result: Tied with pars.

          No. 8: Par 4

          While Koepka waited to put the finishing touches on this one, he shared a tremendous story about bringing the U.S. Open trophy to Las Vegas after winning his first major at Erin Hills in 2017.

          His caddie, Ricky Elliott, wanted to take the trophy out on the town. A restaurant wouldn't let them bring the trophy inside -- only the big ones like the Stanley Cup were allowed -- so Koepka left the trophy in a drawer in the host stand.

          When Elliott went back to his room that night, he left the trophy outside the room. They didn't discover it was missing until the next day.

          "We were in a panic because we didn't know where it was," Koepka said.

          DeChambeau missed his birdie putt on No. 8, Koepka made his to go 4 up with four holes to play.

          He's probably going to have another trophy to lose.

          Result: Koepka wins with birdie.

          No. 9: Par 3

          And that will do it. DeChambeau conceded the match after missing a birdie putt on the ninth hole, giving Koepka a 5&3 victory in a 12-hole match.

          You could sense DeChambeau's frustration on the tee box.

          "Where is this on the PGA Tour, man?" DeChambeau asked Koepka. "You play so good right now."

          "It's kind of like my major right now, right?" Koepka said.

          "I guess it is," DeChambeau said.

          "I don't play again until April," Koepka said. "Not going to lie, I just wanted to spank you."

          "Does this want to make you play with [Bryson] more?" Koepka was asked. "Nah, I'm good."

          Result: Koepka wins with birdie.

          Before the match

          Let's compare what the two have done:

          And what they've done when in the same group:

          Let the trash talk begin

          PGA Tour officials don't want fans taunting DeChambeau with shouts of "Brooksy" at its events, but that rule apparently doesn't apply to Koepka. His ride for Friday's match includes many of his favorite verbal jabs toward DeChambeau:

          • "2 short of a 6 pack"

          • "Let's go Brooksy"

          • "There's an ant"

          • "Sorry bro."

          Let the insults begin.

          Just say 'Brooksy'

          In an otherwise mundane prematch news conference -- actually, it was fans sending in questions during a livestream event -- about an hour before they teed off, Koepka and DeChambeau were asked what they would whisper to their opponent if the other had a putt to win on the 12th hole.

          '"Brooksy' seems to get to him quite a bit," Koepka said. "He had to go to the Tour to get them to stop."

          "It's simple: I'd just be walking on the cart path in spikes," DeChambeau replied.

          Of course, the sound of DeChambeau's spikes were what sent Koepka's eyes rolling during a post-round interview at the PGA Championship at Kiawah Island in May. Even Koepka admitted on Friday that the incident sent their beef to another level.

          "The spikes drowned out the sound of his mouth," Koepka said. "I enjoyed hearing the spikes."

          Tom Brady has thoughts

          Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady, who played with Phil Mickelson against Tiger Woods and Peyton Manning in the event a year ago, has already chimed in about his former partner, who is offering TV commentary with Charles Barkley.