Hands up who had 'Steven Smith Hits Back at Monty Panesar's Sandpaper Comments with BBC Mastermind Jibe' on their Ashes 2025-26 phoney war bingo card?
Because that, bizarrely enough, is the point we had reached when those in the UK woke up on Thursday morning, less than 24 hours out from the start of the first Test. Perhaps it was the logical endgame of an Ashes build-up that has seemed ever more febrile and fantastical as the weeks have ticked by. But it also prompted, on many levels, the question: why?
Why had Smith, in responding to what was reportedly a planted question early in his press conference, chosen to specifically target Panesar amid all the pre-series chatter on both sides? Why did Smith decide to make a personal dig at a retired player about a TV appearance from almost seven years ago? And why, on the eve of one of the most anticipated Ashes in recent memory, was he rewatching Panesar's infamous Mastermind meltdown if, as he claimed, "it doesn't really bother me".
Ironically, the Panesar comments that Smith claimed he hadn't been bothered by received minimal coverage - certainly in contrast to his "off-topic" digression in the full glare of pre-game media duties, which caused "Monty Panesar" to become a trending topic on two sides of the globe.
The issue had, in fact, seemed to spiral after being picked up by Brad Haddin and Alyssa Healy on the Willow Talk podcast earlier this week. Haddin, still keen as ever to get involved in a stoush, suggested Panesar should "Pull your f***ing head in" - which is about the level of wit for Ashes repartee. What's remarkable is that the mud-flinging has not been confined to social media, but ended up with Australia's stand-in captain using it for an open-mic spot on matchday-minus-one.
For those still in the dark, Panesar - speaking to an online betting company - had urged England to "really get into" Smith about his role in the 2018 sandpaper incident at Cape Town and "make him feel guilty". But it seems unlikely that Monty's masterplan would have featured quite so high up in the strategising by Ben Stokes and Brendon McCullum ahead of this series (although perhaps it now should…)
Panesar also explicitly urged the UK media to take up the cudgels against Smith, following the example of some typically fruity coverage of England's preparations by the local outlets. In another irony, Smith's response has made it much easier for the English pack to now mount their high horses (something that rarely requires a second invitation).
As for the Barmy Army, who are expected to make up a significant proportion of the crowd in Perth Stadium, they won't need any prompting from Panesar to break into another chorus of "We saw you cry on the telly".
Smith added in his press conference that he was "pretty chilled" these days, and certainly delivered his pre-planned bit for the cameras with a broad grin in place. It was, nevertheless, a curious call that has added another layer of intrigue to the series - as well as an unexpected new chapter to Panesar's colourful Ashes backstory.
By coincidence, it is only a couple of weeks since Panesar popped up as a walk-on character in the story of Jake Weatherald's maiden Test call-up. Weatherald - who described Panesar as "one of the funniest people I've ever met in my life" - played alongside the former England left-arm spinner during his time in the UK with Great Witchingham CC and took time to regale the Grade Cricketer podcast about what an "amazing experience" it was. Whether they were laughing with or at Monty is probably moot.
This has often been the case, starting with Shane Warne's infamous comment that Panesar hadn't played 33 Tests, but the same Test 33 times. Panesar was an unlikely hero with the bat for England at Cardiff shortly after that, but was again reduced to a figure of fun on the 2013-14 tour, including when Cricket Australia apologised for causing offence with a tweet that pictured four men dressed as Teletubbies wearing turbans and the caption: "Will the real Monty Panesar please stand up?"
Since the end of his playing career, Panesar has forged a number of different career paths - often with limited success. His Mastermind blooper, which he put down to nerves, came during a period in which he tried to carve out a regular spot as a reality TV personality, while he has done more run-of-the-mill work as a cricket pundit for a number of organisations (including ESPNcricinfo). Last year, he made headlines after briefly promising to stand as candidate in the General Election for the Workers Party of Britain, before backtracking.
He has also spoken about his struggles with mental health issues and, sadly, still seems to be casting around for a comfortable post-playing role. Whether Ashes bantermeister is the right fit remains to be seen - but Smith has fanned the flames, inadvertently or otherwise. Certainly Panesar's zinger of a response, delivered on BBC radio a few hours later, suggested he is rising to the occasion: "We've both made mistakes. I made mine on a quiz show, he made his on a cricket field."
And so the sideshow rumbles on, with Panesar also due to appear on Michael Clarke's Beyond23 podcast later on Thursday. Wonder what they'll talk about? Thankfully the cricket is about to begin, otherwise who knows what we'd wake up to tomorrow.