Worries abound down under that talismanic Australia captain Pat Cummins might not be fit for the Ashes. Such is the frenzy of speculation that Cricket Australia's medical department is working around the clock to provide updates…
Cummins misses early training deadline after time off for lumbar stress reaction.
CA spokesman: "It's not ideal, but we know Patty's such a trooper. It might be that he's a bit underdone compared to how we like it, but that's better than being overcooked. Probably medium-rare, should be fine with a little sriracha. Still pretty hopeful we'll get him on the barbie in good time."
Cummins reportedly tells his wife he's feeling "a bit stiff" after regulation game of rough-and-tumble with the kids.
CA spokesman: "That's to be expected. We know the timeline is tight. There are known knowns and known unknowns. The problem comes with unknown unknowns. The next step is to get some more variables into his training - some dog-walking, beach frisbee, maybe a little egg-and-spoon. We'll give him all the time he needs."
Cummins suffers setback when he trips over power cable while mowing the lawn four weeks before the first Test.
CA spokesman: "This is certainly not the outcome we hoped from getting Patty back out on grass. In all likelihood, he's unlikely to be in the likely XI, but we'll have to wait and see. We're confident he'll still play a big part in the series. Just having him around the group is going to be a big plus for the boys."
Cummins is vapourised on the spot by unexpected meteor strike in the lead up to Perth.
CA spokesman: "Look, it's in the hands of the medicos. Getting his workloads up is going to be the difficult thing, now that he's been reduced to a greasy smear on the pavement. But Patty Cummins is a champion. Even if he's only able to operate in the spirit realm, he's going to be a real handful for Poms."
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It is not so long since Cummins and his Australia team were being criticised by the local media for being too woke, and the Light Roller was reminded of this after David Warner popped up with his Ashes prediction - copyright all news organisations - the other day. "I think 4-0. There's going to be a washout somewhere, generally Sydney… If the captain doesn't play, they might win one game." All typically bullish from the Bull, you might think, but hold on. What red-blooded former Aussie player worth his Pommie-baiting inner mongrel predicts anything other than a 5-0 whitewash? And as for England winning a Test if Cummins isn't available… Eesh. Truly they have gone soft.
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Your move, BCCI. It's not often that the richest, most powerful board in world cricket is stumped, but Mohsin Naqvi's vigilante methods at the Asia Cup final have put them in a quandary. Neither India or Pakistan covered themselves in glory through the course of the tournament - but Naqvi raised (or lowered) the bar on pettiness by denying India their actual moment of glory. Or forcing India to deny themselves, as the case may be.
Either way, India still haven't got their hands on the cup, which is presumably minding its own business in a cupboard somewhere at the ACC headquarters in Dubai. Naqvi's last communication on the subject came via X a few days after the final: "If they truly want it, they are welcome to come to the ACC office and collect it from me." Straight from the schoolyard playbook, but you can't knock it for effectiveness. At this point, there isn't much the BCCI can do beyond putting pictures of the Asia Cup on milk cartons and sitting out the next couple of years until Naqvi is no longer president.
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To the Women's World Cup, where we must discuss the depraved depths to which the ladies have descended. Of course, with the arrival of professionalism and greater scrutiny on the women's game, we shouldn't be surprised to see some unsavoury behaviours creeping in. The men are always effing and jeffing, arging and barging, and so we may to have to accept similar from our sisters - but transgressions can't go unpunished. Which is why we were pleased to see the ICC cracking down after Nonkululeko Mlaba's egregious send-off for Harleen Deol. Okay, yes, most people might not have even noticed Mlaba's smile-and-wave-like-you-spotted-a-friend-in-the-queue-at-the-bakery if it hadn't resulted in a disciplinary charge. But sometimes you have to make an example. Do we want our girls growing up knowing the genteel standards that cricket holds sacred, or not?