Stop all the clocks, put the Kohli-cam on pause: Virat has decided that he's had enough of nicking off on sixth stump. Never again will we see that totemic cover drive unleashed in Test whites, or watch him race up from the slip cordon with his finger pointed in the air like an angry PE teacher. Never again will we wonder if he really would deliberately shoulder-barge a teenager just to gain his team a competitive edge (he would).
Kohli confirmed he was out with an Insta post soundtracked by "My Way" - Frank Sinatra, rather than the Limp Bizkit version, somewhat disappointingly. There was always something nu-metal about the way Kohli played the game, with all the screaming and pouting and mic drops. Although even the younger version, who famously let his middle finger do the talking after being abused by a section of the SCG crowd, might have blanched at Fred Durst's 47 f-bombs on "Hot Dog".
Anyway, we digress. You know Test cricket is in a tough spot when the most diehard Test fanatic EVER!!! (copyright all news outlets) decides he doesn't have enough energy for the format anymore. Rohit Sharma had got in there with his red-ball retirement first and Kohli wasn't going to be talked around by BCCI bigwigs intent on protecting commercial interest run-scoring potential for India's tour of England, nor mollified by Gautam Gambhir suggesting he could "jolly well play till 45" if he wanted to, in the manner of the Famous Five discussing their future over toffee apples and ginger beer.
Presumably someone involved in the discussions might have mentioned the fact that a certain James Anderson is no longer around for England, bending the Dukes to his will (although that decision was made very much against his will). But then again, knowing what we know of Kohli's competitive fires, perhaps the lack of such a challenge would have counted against carrying on?
Certainly the series will be lacking something without either's involvement - and we don't just mean contributions to the swear jar. But the Light Roller isn't so worried about the future of Tests, eulogised by Kohli for "the quiet grind, the long days, the small moments that no one sees but that stay with you forever." Old Blue Eyes might have struggled to be so poetic, never mind Durst. Yes, Virat clearly knew what made our game special, and not just because he hasn't (yet) won an IPL.
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One cricketer not going anywhere in a hurry (not with those knees, hoho) is ageing yellove guru MS Dhoni. Which is great news for those of us who like to recycle old material. "I only play two months in a year and now after this IPL gets over, I have to work hard for another six to eight months just to see if my body will be able to take this kind of pressure and everything," he said after CSK had trundled to a stop outside the playoffs for a second year running. "So nothing for me to decide as of now, but I feel the love and affection wherever I've been." Including, no doubt, from the cottage industry of people writing clickbaity headlines about whether MS will or won't be involved in IPL 2026.
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England's cricketing debt to New Zealand is long-standing, from Andy Caddick to Ben Stokes to the 2019 World Cup final - and that's before Brendon McCullum arrived to beguile the stuffed suits at Lord's with his laid-back credo. Now we can add Tim Southee to the list, after the recently retired Black Cap was appointed as England's "specialist skills consultant", aka the team's bowling coach, replacing the semi-retired-though-still-not-entirely-happy-about-it Anderson. Is it a coincidence that Southee is one of McCullum's mates from their decade of sharing a dressing room? Probably not. But then this is the ECB, where Andrew Flintoff was handed a succession of plum appointments seemingly on the basis that he is a long-time pal of Rob Key. Only if England replace Jeetan Patel (another Kiwi) with Nathan McCullum should we start to get worried.