It's getting to the point where, for those of us who do not have a dog in this fight, the most rational response is to deploy the side eye.
This is, we should mention up top, a story on India vs Pakistan written by a Sri Lankan. Our team has not qualified for the Champions Trophy for reasons I don't want to talk about right now. But you remember our place, right? Little island off the tip of the continent, lots of main-character energy in the sense that despite having a fraction of the population of either of South Asia's biggest nations (our whole country is very slightly more populous than Karachi, and way less populous than the state of Kerala) we make global news pretty often. Either we are having a war, wallowing in economic crises, descending on the streets for one of our mass protests, or overthrowing one of our heads of state.
And it may surprise some to learn that there are communities in Sri Lanka that will support India when India play Sri Lanka, and communities that will support Pakistan when Pakistan play Sri Lanka. The reasons for the India support are explained in this story. The Pakistan support in Sri Lanka was once so voracious, that a group of Pakistan fans - who are Sri Lankan - ended up in such a messy fight with Sri Lanka fans in our biggest stadium in Colombo that a Sri Lanka-Pakistan ODI had to be halted for 30 minutes while riot police came in and emptied the entire ground. (Think one of your cops' baton-charges, but while on steroids.)
The TL;DR, if you don't want to click on either of those links, is that minority communities on the island have understandably felt so oppressed by our majoritarian politics, that they support other teams in the region, partly as an act of protest.
If you are the kind of person who doesn't enjoy reading about politics on a cricket website, you do you, but also, relax. This is the end of the politics part of the article. The lighter stuff is about to start. But the point, for now, is that Sri Lankans are invested in India vs Pakistan games.
Or at least we used to be. Because lately, they don't quite hit like they used to hit.
There was a time, really not long ago, when watching an India vs Pakistan match was like watching a science-fiction vs fantasy genre battle. Pakistan are clearly the fantasy element here. There is a part of Pakistan cricket that feels locked in a magical past, specifically the year of 1992. The Pakistan ODI World Cup story is one of the greatest cricket stories ever. Not as good as Sri Lanka's 1996 World Cup story, obviously, but you guys had the "cornered tigers" speech, and the losing-all-the-games-until-you-had-to-win-all-the-games narrative, and honestly, big props - that is some serious dramatic hustle.
India are the science-fiction team. How is it, for example, that your guys' batters just got better, and better, and better? And better, specifically, at blasting Sri Lanka into oblivion? There was a time when Sanath Jayasuriya - our current head coach, by the way - ended India bowlers' careers. Now, you do a Statsguru search on who has the best ODI batting average against Sri Lanka, and three of the top five are India batters.
Virat Kohli has ten ODI hundreds against Sri Lanka. Ten! (Can you please ask him to stop?)
At times in the past ten years, it has felt like Sri Lanka are Ewoks throwing rocks and spears, and India's batters are racing through our forest moon on their 74-Z speeders, blowing us up with blasters from a thousand years into the future.
Sanjay Manjrekar on where Shaheen Afridi and Haris Rauf stand
(In this version of the Star Wars story, the Ewoks fail to qualify for the Champions Trophy, and Darth Vader and the Emperor rule the galaxy forever.)
Where India are "all systems go", and space-age technical developments, and the IPL's rapid-fire missiles, Pakistan's has felt to us an arcane magic. They are the conjurers of reverse swing, considered one of the darkest of cricket's arts - until the (coughs) traditional cricket powers figured out how to do it, at which point it became just regular art. The doosra also has its origins in Saqlain Mushtaq and Pakistan.
And what better analogue for Wasim Akram's two wicket-taking balls in the middle of England's innings in that 1992 World Cup final, than the wizard Gandalf standing on the bridge of Khazad-Dum, and bellowing at that Balrog of Morgoth "You shall not pass!" As with Gandalf, Wasim went on to greater things. And yet so much of his legacy also is defined by those glorious moments when he was less powerful than the force he went on to become.
Sri Lanka has borrowed from these traditions too, for South Asia at its best is a melting pot of great ideas. Muthiah Muralidaran, Sri Lanka's greatest bowler, still feels like pure fantasy all these years later. Kumar Sangakkara, our greatest batter, was spectacularly sci-fi.
The problem for us neutrals (Sri Lankans are chaotic neutrals, rather than true neutrals, if anyone is wondering) is that sci-fi has been dominating the scene recently. There is no question in the lead-up to this game that India are poised, ready, and powerful. Pakistan are frailer and licking some wounds from the tournament opener.
Like with the Lord of the Rings film franchise, you wish you could experience the Pakistan of decades ago for the first time once again, rather than whatever hashed-together narratives they are spinning out now.
India, meanwhile, have not won as many finals as they would like, but having clinched the T20 World Cup last year, they have had a critical smash hit as Star Wars did with the glorious Rogue One film. If Wasim is Gandalf, Rohit Sharma is Jyn Erso, instilling bravery into a team whose batting had been excellent and yet too staid for too long. Rebellions are built on hope, and the hope, for us neutrals, is that India batters play the kinds of fun innings that Rohit has lately specialised in, for years and years to come.
For now, what needs to happen is for fantasy to make a bit more of a comeback. The sci-fi stuff has been hugely fun, but what is life or cricket without variety? And it is up to Pakistan to provide it. Their having to come to Dubai to play a match feels incongruous, like Gandalf and other Istari being tasked with leading that attack on the Death Star. Neutrals would have preferred this game to have happened in Karachi, which is a kind of Minas Tirith (a deeply-flawed but fascinating big city, worthy of all the love it gets).
But the world is the world, and this is the situation we have arrived at: hoping for something astonishingly dramatic, like Vader boarding a rebel ship in badass fashion. Or Gandalf holding the gates.