Since his first-class debut in December 2005, no one has taken more Ranji Trophy wickets than Jalaj Saxena. Nearly two decades into his career, he continues to push boundaries at an age where several of his contemporaries have long retired.
Earlier this season, the Kerala allrounder became the first player to achieve the double of 6000 runs and 400 wickets in the Ranji Trophy. As Kerala prepare for their semi-final against Gujarat in Ahmedabad, Saxena chats with ESPNcricinfo about his career, the challenges he has faced, and what keeps him going.
Nearly 7000 first-class runs, 478 wickets, 34 five-wicket hauls. At 38, what keeps you going?
I love this game and I want to keep playing as much as I can. That is the motivation. Also, I've never played for India and that fire is still there. As a professional, if that fire is not there you won't be able to survive. Even if you're 38-39 or 20-22, you have to push yourself. There has to be a goal; without an end goal you won't be able to perform. I know it's close to impossible to play for India now and I may just be dreaming, I know that. But if that dream dies, I won't be able to perform.
Has that feeling of having achieved something big never crossed your mind?
I really love first-class cricket, red-ball cricket. It's easy for me to retire and just sign up with one of the many legends leagues for good money, instead of toiling all season-long in the domestic circuit. But I don't find joy in doing that. I don't think I'll retire to play in those leagues only. I don't think I'll emotionally be happy doing that. Because my emotions, heart, everything is with first-class cricket. Playing top-flight cricket keeps that motivation alive - of wanting to develop new skillsets with the ball, staying fit and coming back again to perform. I find my mental peace and happiness in just bowling, taking wickets. I won't have that contentment playing for easy money, the fun is in this grind and to be able to perform match after match.
In 2023, you tweeted saying 'I'm finding ways to be optimistic.' Why did you feel that way?
That was a phase where it was difficult for me to find motivation. I was weighed down by the constant thought that I hadn't played for India. Every selection meeting had rejection written all over it for me, despite performances. I let that pressure chew me, and I wasn't enjoying my game. That season, I learnt to let go. I made peace with the possibility that it may not happen and I haven't felt better on the cricket field. The motivation, hunger - it's all there.
Out of all 50 wickets which i have taken last year in Ranji Trophy, This one is my fav. Finding ways to be optimisticpic.twitter.com/hctPR9FezZ
— Jalaj Saxena (@jalajsaxena33) June 14, 2023
How did you make peace with it?
I read a lot of motivation books. I spoke to many players. I spoke to my family. Eventually, I learnt that it's more about playing and controlling things which are in your control. It may sound cliched, but it's one of the toughest things to follow.
Sometimes are you amazed by this fight that you've had?
I don't see it that way. It's not a fight against anyone. I'm doing this for myself. I haven't played to prove something to someone. I'm still playing to improve at 38. And I'm motivated everyday to do better. Yes, I want to play for the country. But if that hasn't or can't happen, can I play for my own happiness and contentment? That's how I am thinking now. When you play not wanting to prove anything to anyone, you look at things differently. I don't have any grudges against anyone. I feel blessed to have played close to 150 first-class games - how many can dream of doing that in a country as big as ours?
Robin Uthappa recently said some greats don't wear the India jersey. How does it make you feel when a compatriot says such things?
Robbie has been a tremendous player. I have no words to express my gratitude to him.
With R Ashwin having retired, do you think it's realistic to push for that India dream, even if it is just a short career of 2-3 Tests, like Shahbaz Nadeem?
I don't want to think about it, again it's something I can't control. The dream remains, but if I think, "oh, he's not there so I have a chance," I'm deviating back to the very things that chewed me. It'll mean looking back and going into that vicious cycle of taking pressure and stress about something you have no control over.
How do you prepare mentally?
I believe in manifestation. I imagine how I'd pick wickets. It's part of my process. The game against UP this season, for example. It was a flat wicket, as a bowler it's easy to think nothing is going to happen here, and you can go through the motions. I imagined picking wickets a certain way, and it happened.
Your parents watched you pick up your 400th Ranji wicket in that UP game. How special was it?
They were visiting Kerala for the first time. It was a game where I knew I had a chance, and I'm glad they were able to see it. My father still pushes me to work hard to be able to play for India. I don't think he'll praise me until I retire. It's his discipline that has rubbed off on me and helped me play as much first-class cricket as I have.
What are some of the big moments you look back fondly on?
My Player of the Match performance in my first tour for India A against West Indies in the Caribbean [in 2012-13]. Being part of the IPL-winning Mumbai Indians squad in 2013. I didn't get to play a game, but I have a photo with Sachin Tendulkar where we're both lifting the trophy. That's a special memory. A six-wicket haul against a strong New Zealand A in Vizag [2013-14]
How has it been playing for Kerala, have you learnt Malayalam?
I can understand it, having played for seven years now. It's a tough language to speak, but I follow a lot of it. They've never treated me as a[n outstation] professional, and for that I'm grateful to the management and administration. It's great to be able to work with the next generation of Kerala cricketers while also contributing as a player.
What is your life like when you're not playing cricket?
It's rare that I'm not playing at all. Like between the end of the [Ranji] group stages and quarter-finals, I rushed to Gwalior to play two T20 games for the Accountant General's office, my employers. But yes, when I'm not playing, I love doing yoga. I travel to the mountains, I love meditation retreats, hiking. I try to do one such trip every year.