Andrew Flintoff believed he "should not be here" and that he was given "a second go" at life when he escaped a high-speed car crash alive - though expects he will have to deal with its physical and psychological effects "for the rest of my life".
Flintoff, the former England allrounder, underwent a series of operations on his face after crashing while filming for the British TV show Top Gear in December 2022. He has rarely spoken publicly since but addresses the crash and its effect on his mental health in the upcoming second season of the BBC show Freddie Flintoff's Field of Dreams.
"I genuinely should not be here, with what happened," Flintoff said in footage, filmed from his bed in the weeks after the crash, which will be broadcast next week. "It's going to be a long road back and I'm only just starting. I've got to look at the positives, don't I? I'm still here. I've got another chance, I've got to go at it. I'm seeing that as how it is: a second go."
Flintoff kept a low public profile in the months after the incident while his injuries healed. The series shows him speaking to Kyle Hogg, his close friend and former Lancashire team-mate, in July 2023. "I thought I could just shake it off. I wanted to shake it off and say 'here am I, I'm alright' but it's not been the case, it's been a lot harder than I thought," Flintoff said.
"As much as I've wanted to go out and do things I've just not been able to… Everywhere I go at the moment, I've got a full face mask and glasses on. I struggle with anxiety: I have nightmares, I have flashbacks. It's been so hard to cope with. But I'm thinking if I don't do something, I'm never going to go. I've got to get on with it."
In the first series of Field of Dreams, Flintoff and Hogg brought together a disparate group of teenagers in Preston, Flintoff's hometown, and introduced them to cricket, forming a team which played a series of friendlies in 2022. In the second series, they take them on tour to Kolkata - though the trip was delayed by a year due to Flintoff's crash.
Flintoff was asked by one of the boys, Finn, if he was "feeling 100%" before the trip. "Not really," he replied. "I don't know if I will again, to be honest… I don't know what 'completely better' is. I am what I am now. I'm different to what I was. It's something that I'll probably have to deal with for the rest of my life. Better? No. Different."
Following his injuries, Flintoff has gradually returned to cricket in a series of different coaching roles. He has worked with England's white-ball teams as an assistant coach, including at June's T20 World Cup, and is also head coach of Northern Superchargers in the men's Hundred, who have won three of their first four games.
Following Matthew Mott's sacking as England's white-ball coach, Flintoff has been touted as an outsider for the job. He was first brought into the England set-up as an unpaid consultant by Rob Key, the team's managing director, though footage from the series suggests he has been considering a coaching role for some time: "If I do apply for the England coach's job, I might not put these on my CV," he joked as his team trained in September 2022.
Flintoff has declined to give any interviews to independent outlets since his appointment, though was involved in a Q&A with the producer Clyde Holcroft during a promotional event for Field of Dreams. He joked he had fallen into "a TV trap" after his playing career and said he would "love to do more coaching" moving forwards following "a perfect introduction" to it.
"I'd always wanted to do something in cricket. I was never quite sure what it was," Flintoff said. "I've done a bit of commentary which I don't particularly like, or it's not really me. I've always had an ambition to coach, but I'm not quite sure of my route to doing that or who I'd coach - or, let's be honest, who would have me."
He explained that his ambition with Field of Dreams was to alter the perception of cricket as "a posh sport" - and said that was among the reasons he thinks the Hundred has been a success. "It's not for everyone, the Hundred," Flintoff said. "But I think that it's done so many good things. You look at the crowds who go and watch it; it's on free-to-air [TV] as well as Sky.
"It's still perceived in some areas as being a posh sport, as being elitist, and we just need to break that down but I think we're going in the right direction. We can always do more, but I think there's a definite shift in recent times towards it being more popular… We've seen how popular it is in India. If you could take 10% of that [in England], we'd be happy."
Freddie Flintoff's Field of Dreams On Tour will be shown on Tuesday August 13 at 9pm on BBC One and iPlayer